It has been like 10 years since I last heard Kingston Town by UB40. I heard it again yesterday night after little J called it in early. The song did not bring back a lot of memories. But somehow it captivated me again. Like a little boy that is certain he has met the love of his life.
I was in anticipation of a difficult Monday morning. Skeletons in the closet from predecessors came back to haunt us at work. And Monday morning was another round of showdown after lots of threatening and taunting. And I now need to face them. Perhaps that is why the reggae was calming. I was on the maroon rug, my back against the sofa, feeling blank, with the song on repeat.
I decided it was about time I give myself time to think and contemplate again. I moved myself back into the bedroom. Work has taken me so far away from myself that it is about time I reeled myself back in again. I need this. I need this with S asleep recovering from her bout of flu, J asleep perpendicular between S and I, the humidifier humming away in the background, the electric blanket keeping winter away. I need this moment of silence after many months of drifting.
I could hear myself thinking after I put on the earphones with Kingston Town on repeat like before, but thinking no more about work. I went off in many different directions like two horses pulling at different directions without the charioteer. I reeled myself back in again many times but the horses persevered. I gave up.
I adjusted little J and I tried to sleep with Kingston Town still playing through the earphones. The night eventually took over and I dozed off. But I remember two further thoughts before I fell asleep.
I thought about getting a retreat. It need not be up a mountain or deep in the jungle. I will just try to spend nights alone in a separate room trying to pick fragments of myself up during the long break of Chinese New Year. I should.
I thought about myself, walking into a dark temple. In the middle of the temple was a candle, or an oil lamp. I walked towards it and lighted it. The temple was still dim from that small source of light, but it will be a start. Perhaps the small little flame will stoke a fire bright enough to light the journey ahead.
I fell asleep with UB40 still singing the catchy reggae tune through the earphones. Funny how certain songs at the right place and right time can throw us off on a tangent into a reverie, looking for a place I long to be, where the moonlight lingers on.
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