The Place I Long To Be

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It has been like 10 years since I last heard Kingston Town by UB40. I heard it again yesterday night after little J called it in early. The song did not bring back a lot of memories. But somehow it captivated me again. Like a little boy that is certain he has met the love of his life.

I was in anticipation of a difficult Monday morning. Skeletons in the closet from predecessors came back to haunt us at work. And Monday morning was another round of showdown after lots of threatening and taunting. And I now need to face them. Perhaps that is why the reggae was calming. I was on the maroon rug, my back against the sofa, feeling blank, with the song on repeat.

I decided it was about time I give myself time to think and contemplate again. I moved myself back into the bedroom. Work has taken me so far away from myself that it is about time I reeled myself back in again. I need this. I need this with S asleep recovering from her bout of flu, J asleep perpendicular between S and I, the humidifier humming away in the background, the electric blanket keeping winter away. I need this moment of silence after many months of drifting.

I could hear myself thinking after I put on the earphones with Kingston Town on repeat like before, but thinking no more about work. I went off in many different directions like two horses pulling at different directions without the charioteer. I reeled myself back in again many times but the horses persevered. I gave up.

I adjusted little J and I tried to sleep with Kingston Town still playing through the earphones. The night eventually took over and I dozed off. But I remember two further thoughts before I fell asleep.

I thought about getting a retreat. It need not be up a mountain or deep in the jungle. I will just try to spend nights alone in a separate room trying to pick fragments of myself up during the long break of Chinese New Year. I should.

I thought about myself, walking into a dark temple. In the middle of the temple was a candle, or an oil lamp. I walked towards it and lighted it. The temple was still dim from that small source of light, but it will be a start. Perhaps the small little flame will stoke a fire bright enough to light the journey ahead.

I fell asleep with UB40 still singing the catchy reggae tune through the earphones. Funny how certain songs at the right place and right time can throw us off on a tangent into a reverie, looking for a place I long to be, where the moonlight lingers on.

 

Keep On Running

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Work has been mad recently. But somehow I finally put on my running shoes and started running again. Although it is quite a torture still to wake up so early and take a run around the neighbourhood, but it feels good. It’s hard to tell what will happen when winter finally arrives. Till then, I guess I’ll keep on running – for life, at work, and in the morning.

Fighting For The Moon

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There is hope after all. A late night battle against odds to complete the setting up of the Mid-Autumn Festival event at the mall was tough. It was a victory not without losses. At 1:30am the work was done. For today, at least. Spirits were high. And I am glad I was there. It may be just moral support, but I was there. All it takes now is one final battle tomorrow and the moon will be a place on earth. In Shanghai.

When Education Breaks Down

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Yes, J, it is hard to expect others to be as kind and gentle and understanding. It’s the third day at knidergarten for you, and the “daily report” from the school may seem discouraging, but that is the state of the education that kids, like you, go through nowadays.

Despite the effort by your mom in trying to find the best educational instituion for you, it is hard for us, as parents, to swallow when the feedback at the third day of school seems to think that “you cry a lot and hopes that you will be more easy-going in the future”.

I know that you don’t really cry that often at home. Even if you do, you are just a kid, and it is natural to cry as a sign of displeasure for you lack the ability still to make others fully understand you. I believe it’s because your teachers can’t understand you or can’t cope with your vivacity.

For about 20 years of your life, you will be in the process of formal education. You will be spending probably half your waking time during that 20 years in an education institution. You will be spending a quarter more on education each day of that doing homeworks and assignments.

If teachers in kindergarten can’t even understand your nature and behaviour, and as a 3-year old child, and see things from your level, don’t be disappointed. To most, it is just a profession where passion is a bonus, not a prerequisition.

School will be more crowded and will contain less individual attention once you head into primary education. It will be worse in secondary. By the time it is tertiary education, your lecturer will assume maturity and independence and responsibility, which you may or may not already have. This is the structured and rigid world we live in, and we are bound by it.

J, I guess the only way is not to hope for too much but only to take in the formal knowledge that will be transferred at formal educational institutions. Expect no more than that and you won’t be disappointed. When you need love and passion and understanding, you will always find it at home. From mom. From me. Forever.

Zero Expectation

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I am still staring out the same window at Tianjin expecting nothing has changed. Indeed, nothing much has changed, except that it is morning and the sky is clear. A few tour buses clutter the car park below. High (performed by Lighthouse Family) is playing in the background. It is my first morning in Tianjin, but I’ll be leaving Tianjin soon, and waking up in another city tomorrow, staring out another window. I wish for nothing more than pleasant and smooth journey into the future, pray that all is well back home and that they all get well soon.